Minnie’s Musings – My Life With A Posh Addict

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Minnie the Mannie. She’s waving and smiling. You just can’t see it.

 

Meet Minnie, the mannie.

She’s technically a dress form, but Minnie aspires to one day become a full-fledged mannequin.  She dreams of the day when Donatella Tory Wang – that fabulous designer fashion fairy – drops by in her limo and rewards Minnie’s infinite patience and modeling work by gifting her with arms, legs,….

…maybe even a head.

For now, however, Minnie struggles with her reality.  Ever since she was scooped up from that Hobby Lobby sales floor, she’s been living 24/7 with a full-time Posh addict.  It’s a hard-knock life. The pay sucks, her owner is demented from lack of sleep,  and deep down, Minnie can’t help but feel like she’s nothing more than a glorified clothes hanger.

But Minnie, our “damsel in this dress” is on a mission.  And if it means modeling her cut-off bootie at all hours of the night to earn those damask limbs, she’ll do it.  She dreams of escape… of finding the “mannequin of her dreams”…of settling down in a magnificent mannie-shun and having many mini Minnies (and maybe a few mini Mannies).  Of getting a high-paying gig at the Mall of America in Minnesota.

In the minnie time, er….meantime, she strikes imaginary poses for the flash of an iPhone, cringes whenever a new bag of clothes enters the closet, and wishes a thought balloon would pop up over her headless torso – just so she could let her owner know how she REALLY feels.

…and through the magic of internet blogging technology, that has JUST happened….

Here, now, a glimpse..a sneak-peek into a few hours in the life of Minnie – the long-suffering, outspoken, yet fashionably bedecked mannequin wannabe dress form who lives in a Posh addict’s closet…

Monday, 7:02 am – “Why, hello there, ‘Owner’s Hubby’!  It’s sooooo refreshing to see a well-rested human being for a change….  OMG, were you aware that your wife used me until 3 am this morning??!  3am!  I thought she would NEVER pass out on the closet floor.  Whoa, COLD HANDS, MISTER!  I know that I’m standing between you and the bathroom door, but you really don’t need to manhandle me becau….hey, dude…seriously.  I’m wearing what’s called ‘chiffon’.  Does that word MEAN anything to you?!”

7:45 am – “There he goes, off to work… {sigh}  He REALLY is quite cute.  If I were her, I certainly wouldn’t ignore him…OH, HAVE A NICE DAY!  I’m betting you’d like to be told that every now and then, maybe even today… but she’s snoring like a locomotive at the moment.  I’m sure she wants you to have a nice day as wel…OMG, GIRLFRIEND!  Are your sinuses really THAT jacked up?  TURN OVER, would you?!”

10:17 am – “Oh, hell.  The She-beast finally awakens. Good morning, Madam Cray Cray.  Whoa, check YOU out…. Yeah, nice hair, girlfriend.  I see we used up ALL the hairspray again last night.  Third time this week?  BTW, Marge Simpson called.  She wants her ‘hive back.  Oh, yes….  You’ve retrieved your iPhone from the charger.  I see that WE won’t be getting out of bed for AT LEAST another hour.  What else is new?  I know, same old saying – SO much Poshing…. so little time to live your normal life…”

11:34 am – “Wow, I nodded off there for just a moment, but are you seriously STILL in bed?  Hey, the doorbell is ringing.  Are you gonna?….no…you… aren’t.  Ya’ know, I’d get that for you but I’m a little short-handed at the moment.  Ba-dum-bump….  Yeah, so…just gonna stand here at attention, same as always, wooden post placed rather precariously up my back side.  I’ll just wait for you to get some….hey, don’t walk away from me… WHEN.. I’M…TALKING… RUDE!!!  SO, YEAH – JUST GET SOME BREAKFAST!  OKAY!?  EAT AND THEN WE’LL WORK!  YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME….AND JUST AN FYI – WHEN YOU WAIT THIS LONG, IT’S ACTUALLY CALLED LUNCH!”

11:38 am –  “HELL.  TO.  THE.  NO…  Are you touched?  There is NO way that size 2 is gonna fit me.  Hell-O…  I’m a size 4/6.  See these?  They’re called boobs.  Yes, they’re filled with compacted cardboard and foam but hey, 34B and proud as I can be.  Seriously, doll….this is not going to…okay, okay, oh…..WOW, I guess I was wrong.  Hey, I look frickin’ awesome in this!  You really sure you want to sell it?  Not meaning that you should keep it for yourself, ’cause damn, girl… let me just say… that extra piece of cheesecake was clearly NOT calling your name last night. Ow….ow, owwwww.  You just snagged my invisible hair with the zipper. RUDE!  Ok, you’re gonna try it on?  Ooo, yeah.  Told ya’.  Yeah, that…that muffin area…that can’t be hidden..by that little bit of fabric.  Wait.  Did you just mumble something under your breath?  I heard ‘something….dress form’.  Was that the f-word?  Really?  Really?  Oh girl, just you wait.  I am totally NOT going to smile for your photos and make it easy for you today.  Might as well just forget that awesome covershot for your closet.  See.  NOT smiling.  REALLY.  NOT SMILING…”

4:50 pm – “Oh, goodie goodie gumdrops!  You’re finally home!  I was kind of hoping you’d get lost in the mall parking lot again.  Oh, and I see that you just liberated that TJ Maxx of ALL it’s inventory.  Did you leave anything on the hangers?  Seriously!?  No woman in her right mind needs this many lime green handbags unless her shoes are all made from Kermit the Frog.  Oop…yeah, hide that stuff quick, doll.  That cute guy might come home early again…”

8:54 pm – “It’s called FOOD.  You should eat some.  It’s good for you.”

9:00 pm – “Oh thank GOD for Posh Parties…. I can really use a few extra ZZZs”

9:01 pm – “TAP, TAP, TAP… TAP.’  CAN’T YOU GIVE IT A REST ON THAT KEYBOARD?  Some of us need the rest!”

11:01 pm – “Okay, awake and ready to go.. Whoa… where did she…?  ?  Hey, where did she go?  No, seriously.  Did she go to bed?  BEFORE midnight?  I can’t believe she is final…..”

{toilet flush}

“Well, that was 3 seconds of excitement.  Oh, sure thing, boss…..  Yep, you know it.  I’m super excited to put in an all-nighter with you….AGAIN.

I have thought of NOTHING else, all day….”

5 thoughts on “Minnie’s Musings – My Life With A Posh Addict

  1. Christine Cargo says:

    From one crazy posher to another…I can relate! You’re writing is so clever and funny! How in the world do you find the time to posh and write a blog?? Seriously, Minnie’s right….get some sleep girlfriend! xoxo

  2. Kasey Madeoy says:

    You had me laughing out loud! At least I’m not the only one naming her dress form 🙂 “Kate” and ” Minnie” ought to get together over a drink and commiserate (oh, but they have no arms!) love, love, love Poshmark! There aren’t enough hours in the day or money in the bank :0

    • brendaed says:

      You’d be surprised at how adept Minnie can be when it comes to imbibing. She’s quite the lush, actually – she’s been caught more than once in the liquor cabinet. I’d slap her wrist, but as you’ve already mentioned, she has none to slap…

  3. Momma Eagle says:

    Mine is named “Franny the Manny”! Have your people call my people and we can do lunch!

    • brendaed says:

      Minnie is actually advocating for a mannequin workshop at next year’s Poshfest. I’m sure there are many mannies out there who would be interested….

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